Happiness

Happiest Ever!!!

Apart from a massive castle and any other material things i'd like, I have everything I have ever wished for :). I have amazing family and friends and an amazing boyfriend who makes me feel special every day! Very much looking forward to celebrating my 21st with those special people! 

Special Bonds

There are some things in life you just cannot predict, for example, earlier this evening I watched a film called The Bride Wars, and the film ended with a quote that went like this:

'Sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken. Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what. Maybe you will find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding. But there's also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you sometimes better than you know yourself is the same person who's been standing beside you all along'.

 This ending sentence got me thinking, you never know for sure who will stand by you through everything, I know that my family will, but some people don't even have the comfort of knowing that.

In terms of relationships how can you be sure that the one person you feel you share a special everlasting bond with, won't leave you, and break that special bond. So many people who think they have found that special someone who they'll spend the rest of their lifes with get married and then divorced.

Many people experience heartbreak and rejection but in my opinion you need to experience negativity and whats wrong in a relationship so you can understand and appreciate when something is right when it eventually comes along and when it does you'll compare it to all the bad experiences and realise what you have now is something perfect, something special to be treasured.

My advice, don't ever settle for someone that makes you cry too often, that isn't how a relationship should be, I was once naive in thinking that as long as theres love it doesn't matter how much they hurt you, truth is if they loved you they wouldn't hurt you, because hurting you would hurt them. This is why I hate the lyrics to the song 'Love the way you lie' so much, because no one likes being lied to, they just put up with it because they think they love them and they don't know any better. You want to know how I know this? Because I've experienced the negative, and through experiencing this, I know that what I have now is more than just right, it's special, and whether it's is a bond that cannot be broken or not, I know that I am going to enjoy and make the most of what I have because these are memories that I will be keeping hold of no matter what.  

I've realised something about myself and it isn't a good thing ... I get bored easily and I'm never satisfied. I'm not sure if theres a word to describe that particular personality trait but it's something I've realised lately. I just want something big to happen, I'm not sure what just something big, in fact it doesn't need to be a major thing, just something different. I feel guilty for feeling this though, I've got everything I need to be satisfied. I am happy theres no denying that but something feels like it's missing. 

Day 4

   10 of your favorite foods.

1. Chocolate
2. Ice Cream
3. Cottage Pie
4. Lasagne
5. Cheese and onion mash potato
6. Cheese
7. Chinese
8. Spaghetti
9. Pizza
10. Roast dinners.

Day 3

10 things about your personality.

1. I'm kind

2. Caring

3. Honest

4. Loyal

5. Fun

6. Understanding

7.  Lack common sense

8. Passionate

9.Funny

10. Adventurous

Day 2

 10 things you do every single day

1. Get out of bed
2. Brush teeth
3. Shower
4. Drink
5. Eat
6. Text people
7. Have a phonecall
8. Talk
9. Listen to music
10. Breathe.

Ten Things Ten Day Challenge

Day 1 - 10 things about your appearance, (clothes, face, hair, height, smile, piercing’s, tattoo’s).

1. I have blue/green eyes,
2. I have long curly hair,
3. I'm small,
4. I don't wear much makeup
5. I'm quite tanned (at the moment).
6. One piercing in each ear.
7. I like to wear colourful and pretty things
8. I have a few freckles on my nose during summer when the sun is out.
9. Apparently I look like Katie Melua
10. I have dark brown hair.

Good Things do Happen.

It has been two and a bit weeks since my last blog post where I wrote about how me and Tom broke up, it was difficult for both of us as none of us wanted it. Tom kept talking to me which made it harder, and after the second attempt of suggesting to him that we have no communication for a couple of days, he agreed to it, and it worked, we had three days of not talking, and he realised that the doubts weren't with 'us' and that he did miss me.

We both thought that things would take a while to get back to normal, but they really haven't taken a while at all, things were back to normal if not better straight away, and thats what I love about us, we never argue, nothing is a struggle, yes there is a problem with distance but that isn't a problem with us as a couple.

I can see why he was scared, I'm scared too, it is getting serious. I've only had one relationship before, it lasted four and a half years but in terms of how well the relationship worked it was nothing compared to how well me and Tom work together so I guess the fact that we are working so well is obviously a very good thing but it can also be a bit scary because I don't think I've ever felt this content with someone before, I'm not sure why that should be scary, I know what I'm thinking I just can't put it into words.

Call me soppy, but I'm just speaking the truth, this is probably the most happiest I've been with life in general. My confidence has grown so much.

"Pour a little salt, we were never here" (the lyrics from Skinny Love) - It was a bad time for us but it really does feel like it never happened, time heals as they say.

Overall things are amazing at the moment, the sun is shining I had a great day with friends last weekend and things are generally looking up!!

The End?

Usually it's me giving advice, but I could really do with some myself right now. Yesterday my boyfriend broke up with me, I was expecting it as he's been having doubts about whether it will work long term and we've discussed the options over and over again for several weeks now. When I found out I tried so hard to stop myself from crying as I was at work, I just felt all shaky and horrible, but the tears came out a little when a work friend asked if I was ok, and said I looked 'pale'. A child put a book in front of me and said 'what's that?' I gave a snivelling reply of  'it's a duck' - it must have sounded like I was traumatised about the fact that there was a duck on the page.

The thing is ... he didn't want to end it, he just doesn't know that 'our situation' will work long term, and in a way that makes it harder. I know it's hurting him, and that hurts me even more. He keeps texting, and today he asked me to please wait for him while he has time to think. I said yes but I need time apart to come to terms with things being over - meaning no communication, he then replied with - 'maybe we can go without talking untill this evening' and when I said i'm talking about a few days, he didn't like the sound of that and after a few messages, said 'but you might have found someone else in a few days'.

I can't get over this knowing there's still a chance for us both, but at the same time, I don't want to get my hopes up to just get knocked down again :(.

How can I let him go when the feelings still exist for both of us. He knows, and I know that what we had was good. I just thought it was worth fighting for ...

There's no Point in What if's

I was just reading my last blog post and noticed I had written that I was getting stressed over something and that I would possibly explain it in another blog ... well I actually do not remember what it was that was stressing me out, which just shows how something might seem like a big deal at the time, but it's actually very trivial.

People tend to worry about things they really shouldn't worry about - and i'll include myself in that category too. The other night I was on the phone to someone untill three o clock in the morning, both of us had work in a couple hours time but we felt as though we needed to talk about it. The discussion involved me and my boyfriend talking about what to do with our relationship because the next few months are going to be hard because we're both going to be busy and won't be seeing much of each other and there will be a time where we both couldn't talk to each other for a week.

We concluded that the problem isn't with 'us' and were actually both really happy, so the thing is there really is no point in having discussions that involve 'what if' or 'what is going to happen?' because nobody knows. There is no way of determing what the future holds, you can have a good guess but I can assure you, things change ... people change, that's life.

At a time that your feeling content with your life, you may think your life is 'set in stone' and you have a fairly good idea about what your future is going to be like, I know sure did, and look at it now, it couldn't be any more different and I'm happy, the happiest i've ever been in fact.

Basically, what I've learnt is to try not to think about the future too much ... what will be will be.

Today's Horoscope

My horoscope today said this: 

 

Saturn might try to make you moody, but fun-loving Jupiter says that whatever’s bugging you is only temporary. Concentrate on all the good things in your life to help you to quickly shake it off.

 

This is exactly what I was thinking before I read this. I've been so moody these past few days, and stressing out about things that I shouldn't be stressing out about, which I will possibly explain in another blog.  Life is too short, and there are plenty of good things in my life right now.

 

 

 

 

 

Stress for no Known Reason

The last couple days I've been so stressed and moody and I'm not sure why or even if there is a reason. I just feel that I need a change, or something exciting or challenging needs to happen. What kind of change is another question though, I have no idea and would really like some ideas.

Yesterday I came home from work in such a bad mood, I was ok all day but I guess thats because I was constantly busy and I couldn't offload my mood on anyone there. In attempt to cheer my self up and lift myself out of this mood I made myself some rocky road chocolate ... it was very nice and did temporarily cheer me up.

Today was a much better day, i'm smiling again. A few friends have said they want to go on holiday so i'm looking forward to that.

I was on the train on the way to Bristol and was sat in one of the seats with the table in the middle. A man in his mid twenties was sat opposite me, and as he moved his leg he brushed against my leg, he smiled and apologised, just before he did this I was going to move my leg as I was in a really uncomfortable position but to do that i would have brushed against his leg which might have looked a bit odd seeing as he just did the exact same thing to me so me being me I sat there feeling uncomfortable for a good 10 minutes.

One the way home from Bristol there was an extremely loud talking woman whom I couldn't see just hear. I noticed that as she spoke she made an emphasis on the words 'yeah' 'yes' and 'good' which she regularly said in her sentences as yeeeeeah, yeessssss and gooooooooooood. She also had an incredibly annoying laugh, in fact it wasn't even a laugh, she just said ah ha ha ha ah ha ha ha ah ha.

She also got off at Bridgwater ... Bridgwater's finest.

Egg and Mouldy Crusts.

Having a really lazy day today, despite the fact there's plenty of things I should be doing. Planning to go for a run in a bit though, but knowing my lack of fitness i'll probably give up reasonably soon. I just made myself an amazing egg mayonaise sandwich using the eggs from our chickens, but after the first bite, I took a closer look at the sandwich and noticed it had mouldy crusts ... lovely. I started to pull the crusts off and had planned to continue eating it, but the mouldy crusts and the fact that I was getting egg all over my hands in the process of pulling the sandwich apart was somewhat putting me off. You would have thought i'd be used to having bits of food on my hands what with working with children but obviously not. I didn't want the egg to go to waste so i got some bread out of the freezer, toasted it and had a egg mayonaise toast sandwich. After all that the sandwich gave me bad heartburn. However, it was worth the hassle.

Sometimes it Lasts in Love but Sometimes it Hurts Instead.

I think I speak for everyone who has ever loved and been hurt when I say that I cried whilst listening to this song. It is such a powerful song expressing the feelings of many.
 It brought back alot of feelings I had buried a while ago, not only that but it made me feel scared about having to feel that pain again.

If there are people who do not understand why someone would cry at this, then I'm guessing they have never been in love and I guess in some ways thats lucky as if they've never loved they'll never have to go through the pain of being hurt.

If you know me, or if you've read my blog from the start you'll know what I went through, I thought I'd never be able to let anyone else in, but with time I did and I couldn't be happier. I met Tom a month after things went wrong and at first, I did really like him, but I couldn't open up and let him in completely, I guess when you've loved someone else for so long its hard to fully accept anyone else to begin with. Obviously I had feelings for him, I would never be with someone if I felt nothing, but I was scared to feel more so to begin with I tried distancing myself. Seven months on and I have never been happier or never had anyone treat me as nice as he does.

The moral of this blog is that although you may feel that you'll never be able to love again, or nothing else will be as special, thats far from the truth. In fact the next person you fall in love with will be even more special, because even though you've been hurt, your putting your trust into this person, which trust me, after having your trust destroyed, is the hardest thing you can do and to be able to trust someone else means alot.

 If its meant to be it will work, if its never meant to be then it won't work. Wherever you end up and whoever you end up spending your life with, its fate because in the end your just living the life that was already set out for you ♥

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger ...

Let the Sun Shine.

We are already in the eighth day of the second month, and I still feel as positive as I did at the start, if not more so. This year feels completely different from last year, in fact it couldn't be more different, almost everything about my life has changed, and if im honest, I wouldn't have it any other way. One of the many things I am pleased about recently is the fact that I've got back in contact with friends who I lost contact with and I'm so glad I've done so as I had forgotten all the laughs we used to have.

Recently I had to go through something that could have turned out to be a very big deal but luckily turned out to be nothing. I was so scared and for weeks I was worried, but the situation was handled really well and what made me smile most was that I was told that I was like Simba from the Lion King because I was the smallest person he knows but also the strongest and bravest person - I've never seen myself as brave or confident so it was nice to be told this.

Part of my positivity today was gained from listening to this song followed by walking downstairs opening the outside door and lying on the bench outside with the sun shining on my face, because previous to this song, the sun wasn't shining and in fact it looked miserable outside.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=equvoqUT1VM

'Let the sun shine on your face
Don't let your life go to waste'

The rest of the positivity comes from everything else thats in my life right now.

Sandwiches, Vampires, and Rubbish Sex.

Last night I dremt that I was a Vampire. In this dream my morning alarm was going off, but I didn't need to get up because of my Vampire lifestyle. After half an hour of subconsciously putting my alarm on snooze, I realised that I was in actual fact still human and I needed to wake up as today was the day I had to do my 'Children's World's' presentation.

I'm writing the content of this blog on the train in hope that I will distract myself from the urge of eating my sandwich at ten past nine in the morning, so far it isn't working.

Lately I've been watching Vampire Diaries - which probably explains my dream about being a Vampire. This series, has made me think back to Twilight (eclipse) and how unrealistic is. Yes, I understand that the fact it has Vampires and Werewolves in the film is what makes it unrealistic in the first place, but I am talking about the love story behind it, thats what I find really hard to understand. In this film, Bella - Edward's (the Vampire) girlfriend, but also dated Jacob (the Werewolf)  is seen by Edward kissing Jacob. Edward stands there, watches and does nothing and then returns to Bella as though nothing happened, as though she didn't just snog the face of another guy. In reality this would not happen, it would set the sparks flying in a normal person let alone in a so called Vampire. I know that people say if you love someone, you'd forgive them for anything, but I disagree, if you love someone this would hurt like hell, to the point where you could no longer be the same around them, in some cases, you might think you have forgiven them but the reality is, you'll never fully trust that person ever again.


On the platform waiting for the train home, there were two girls and a boy - whom I can only assume by the way they were touching, was one of the girls boyfriends.  They were stood some distance from me, but were talking reasonably loudly about sex positions. The girl with the boyfriend proceeded to say to her friend 'we tried this position the other night and he really failed hahahaha' she then turned to her boyfriend, laughed and then apologised but said she tells her best friend everything ... Well ... not only did you tell your best friend, you also shared your boyfriend's sexual incapabilities with the entire platform love!

I felt sorry for the boy as he stood there with embarrasment written all over his face as his girlfriend was criticising his manhood in front of everyone.

P.s I couldn't resist the temptation of the sandwich and at about half past nine I ate it.

Self-Evaluation Challenge

1. What do you like most about your physical appearance?

I'd probably say my hair, it's what makes me different.

 

2. What do you dislike most about your physical appearance?


I wouldn't say I'm overly attractive, yet I can't think of something I dislike. I guess i'm just glad i'm healthy.

3. Describe your personality in 3 words.

Friendly, Caring, Funny - although I don't actually mean to be funny, I guess my stupidity amuses people.

4. How do your friends describe your personality?

Cute, Friendly and a while ago possibly shy but recently I think they would agree in me saying that thats changed.

5. Would you consider yourself a nice person?

Yes. I like to see the good in everyone.


6. How do you see yourself physically in 10 years?

Well i'd like to think i'd still have my figure, but I'd also like to have a couple children by then so I can't see that happening.

7. How do you see your personality/character in 10 years?

Probably the same, but with different priorities. I'd like to see myself as a good mum to a couple children in 10 years time.

8. Does your personality match your star sign?

Yes i'd say so, Virgos are considered overactive thinkers, I definitely think way too much.

9. Have you ever tried to change yourself to fit in?

When I was a teenager yes, but now i'd never change myself for anyone.

10. What are you thinking right now?

How good my life is at the moment and hoping that the future will be just as good.

11. What goes on in your mind on a day to day basis?

Happy thoughts.

12. Make a list of 5 things that are worrying you most lately.

Uni work

Future career

December 21st 2012 - The day the world is predicted to end.
Losing people

13. Make a list of how you will resolve your 5 worries.
Work harder
Look into options.
Just hope that it doesn't.
Hold on to the people I care about.

14. Who are you?


I'm Ella.

15. What have you learned from this challenge?


I've realised how positive I've become lately.

Blue Monday

Today is supposed to be the most depressing day of the year, also known as Blue Monday, based on the fact that theres miserable weather, lots of debt and broken new years resolutions, but do I feel depressed or even remotely sad? No. In fact I couldn't be happier. Yes it's raining, cold and dull outside and I've spent a hell of alot of money recently, but it doesn't effect me in the slightest. I don't believe that there is such a day as the most depressing day of the year, simply because it doesn't have to be depressing, it can be want you want it to be. I read somewhere that the most miserable man they knew was happy today - reading this made me smile.

So if your feeling sad because this day is classified as the most depressing day of the year, it's really not, not generally speaking anyway, it is what you want it to be, nothing else.

Because I know your reading this right now ... Your Special to me :).

Never doubt your freedom, you create your own destiny.

I have never been more sure about anything than I am about my life right now, which is why I've learnt that if something in life seems difficult but at the same time feels right you should stick to it and make it work.

I have a really good feeling about this year, it has potential and I have a feeling it's going to be different, I'm not sure how, or why I even think that, but it's just a feeling I have inside. The other day Tom said to me that he knows I was upset when my ex split up with me, but that maybe it was meant to happen so that I could meet him, I think that is true, who knows what the future holds but one thing I do know is that no matter what happens long term, we'll stay friends. I'm not sure if I believe in fate completely, but I believe that in life you make descisions that determine what happens which might make you think that it isn't fate because we control what happen, but maybe we were destined to make those decisions. Either way I always say:

'Never doubt your freedom, you create your own destiny'.

For example, a child of a poor family may think that they are destined to be poor but that is far from the truth, because you may think you are set out to be or do one thing, even if you do not want to be or do that, but in fact you're not, anything is possible, you create your own future, you just need to believe in yourself, and do what you think is best for you. It is the freedom of doing what you want and how you want in order to be the person YOU want to be.

New Year New Start.

A new year has begun, and already I feel better, it isn't like I needed a new start because afterall the end half of last year was amazing, but with the start of 2011 I can finally say bye to all the worries in 2010 and focus on 2011 being full of just the people who are worthy of my company. I don't really have many ambitions for 2011 apart from to live, love, and be happy, which so far I am fulfilling. I feel I am a much more confident person now then ever before, I have the most fantastic friends and family who are always there to make me smile and have a laugh with and an amazing boyfriend who although we don't see each other much and it's not how I see an ideal relationship too be, I can't hide or lose the way I feel about him.