I'm happy but feel like a change.

The title of this post, was my facebook status update on the 4th of november. Its not often that I get what I want, but on the 6th of november a change was exactly what came my way, and it was very unexpected. I had a good night out on friday, so already I was in a happy mood. Then saturday morning, I met my parents to pick up our dog from the grooming place, which is where we saw an advert that said seven month old poodle looking for a new home, surprisingly I managed to persuade the parents and he was ours that evening!! Definitely was a spur of the moment day!

Hugo

With Hope, Theres Possibility.

Alot has happened since the last time I posted something on here. Feelings have changed, and things have happened, despite these changes in feelings, nothing in my life has actually physically changed. We all go through different stages of life, we experience different things that shape who we are to today, I can name a number of things that have changed the person i've become. For example, being in a long-term relationship made me grow up alot quicker, coming out of one made me realise that I need to slow down, friends are important, recently i've made so many friends and if i'm completely honest if I was still in the relationship I was in I would have never of met them. We all get physically older but it's how you grow emotionally that really matters. If theres one thing i've learnt from life, its that you should never look back on your life and think, I wish I had done things differently.

I've been questioning my thoughts and feelings on something recently and I feel it's important I make the right choices as its often the hardest decisions that are the most important. One of my sayings in life is never miss out on any chances, but how is it possible to know which chances to take and which to avoid? Do I wait around for the person I like and hope their feelings get stronger and they end up wanting what I want? Or do I end it and hope that someone who does want the same thing comes around. I've gone with the first option, because already he means alot to me and if theres a chance of something more then maybe thats a chance I should take, rather than throw that away and go for someone who might not even want that either.

I was having doubts a couple weeks back, there was a guy I was speaking to called Ben who I liked before I met Tom, and as he's had more experiences in relationships and probably wanted the same thing, I was questioning whether I should meet up with him like he wanted. I'm pretty much incapable of making decisions completely by myself, and I thought to myself I wish someone could give me a sign. A few days later I got home to an email from his girlfriend that he never told me about. I asked for a sign, and I couldn't have got a better one!

I like the person i've become, but theres definitely something missing, but with hope, something will fill that gap. Because with hope, theres possibility :).

Five Rainbows in One Day.

A few years ago my Grandad passed away, he only came into our lives a few years before that, but I am glad we had the chance to meet him. Just before he passed away I wrote him a card, inside this card I had drawn a rainbow, and alongside that rainbow I had written 'Everytime I see a rainbow, I will think of you'.

Shortly after he died, on occasions where I began to feel low, a rainbow would appear. There were even times when I would look up to the sky and say 'please grandad can I have a rainbow today', and at some point during that day a rainbow would appear.

Well the other day I did just that, I was feeling a little low and I thought to myself I wish a rainbow would appear to show me that everything will be ok, and a few days later not one but five rainbows appeared, and I even managed to get the picture i've always wanted - a rainbow over a massive oak tree.

I don't understand why it is that when I was in a relationship for four and a half years, I had almost zero interest from other men. Which looking back at; the relationship was not working and i really could have done with some temptation to get out of the relationship. Whereas now i'm recieving almost too much interest from different people, I guess it could be due to the fact that some of these people knew I was in a relationship before, and therefore didn't bother showing an interest, however if i'm honest most of these guys didn't even know me when I was in a relationship.

Don't get me wrong the attention makes me feel good about myself, because when my ex split up with me, the way he did it left me feeling really low about myself, like I wasn't good enough for anyone I suppose.

I guess the negative of this is, i'm seeing someone so I feel like I shouldn't be getting attention, and I  don't like letting people down because I feel horrible, I also find it hard to say no to meeting up with them, as they may just want to meet up to get to know me as a friend, which would be nice because i'm a friendly person and enjoy getting to know people. So if thats the case, replying with I can't because i'm seeing someone, may be a bit embarrasing.

I believe that everything in life is set out, and what happens is meant to happen, but how are you supposed to know what path to take, what chances to make, and what chances to avoid?

Dark mornings and dark evenings - I am definately not a fan of winter. It took me so long to get motivated to get out of bed this morning. I'm pretty sure I suffer from seasonal affective disorder, I don't want to bore people by going into detail about what it is but its very common, and basically its when a person feels down in winter due to lack of sunlight. I just really want it to be summer, i'm starting to get really confused about certain things, like one day i'm sure what I want, and then a couple days later i'm unsure. I put it down to the weather, but I just wish everything was simple sometimes, but I guess things are made complicated to test out strength to cope with things.

Yesterday one of the things my horoscope said for me to do was to have a nice lunch, so today I had a sandwich, a big packet of white chocolate buttons, and a packet of strawberry laces, shared with my friend Vicky, during our lecture. I walked round sainsburys for ages and I decided to pick the first thing I fancied, unfortuantely everything I fancied required a spoon, which I didn't have, apart from the big thorntons cake, but that would just be really greedy.

I was on the train this morning writing up my lecture notes about how a child's environment during early years strongly effects their adult life, and how childhood exposure to dysfunctional households can cause medical disorders in adulthood, when ironically sitting opposite me was a mother that shocked me by the way she spoke to her daughter that looked as though she was only just two. This is what she said to her little girl:

"Coh your a miserable COW aren't you". - At this point the girl wasn't doing anything wrong, in fact all it looked like was she wanted a little bit of affection from her mum.

Her mum then proceeded to say "Do you know what your auntie is, shes a bitch! that's right a bitch. So is your auntie Karen, a bitch. Can you say bitch?"

Things like this make me angry, I know people that can't have children, and people like this woman on the train don't deserve to have children!

Work Overload.

Well today i've felt a tiny bit stressed with the amount of work i've got to do, and I am on day three of uni. I feel as though I've overloaded myself on things to do, when i'm not at uni, im at work which leaves little time to do much else, as when I get home I should be writing up notes and doing extra reading along with coursework. But I have decided that even though I have minimal time as it is, I am still going to try and do the things i enjoy, like meeting up with friends, and writing on here.  Although sometimes I find myself asking whether things will work with a certain someone, but I guess if both people want it to work, and if it's meant to work then it will, right? 

I just wrote the previous paragraph and thought I'd check out my horoscope, to see if there's is anything worth mentioning about it and funny enough it sums up everything i've just mentioned about how I'm feeling:

"Are things getting a little bit crazy, Virgo? Too many tasks and too many people vying for your attention could have your nerves stretched as taut as violin strings. Try to get outside for a while. Treat yourself to a nice lunch or do a little shopping. Take a good long nap. Whatever seems so urgent isn't worth sacrificing your peace of mind. Try to stay focused!"

So .... shopping, a big bar of chocolate, a nap, and a walk down the country lanes it is then!

The Start of 2nd Year.

Well I was lying in bed asleep dreaming about something that I no longer remember, when my alarm went off playing Sex on Fire by Kings of Leon, and I jumped out of bed and was ready to go (not quite that literally) but I definately felt motivated for the day ahead and an hour later I headed off on the train to Bristol. It was quite an interesting train journey, a few seats ahead of me was a girl and a guy a similar age to myself, and I could hear everything they were saying to one another the whole way to Bristol. Recently I've been watching the last Lost series on DVD and for some reason I thought to myself, since I can hear everything they are saying, and there was no way of not hearing them as I had forgotton my Ipod, wouldn't it be really annoying if they started talking about what happened on Lost, and sure enough a couple minutes after I had that thought, they started talking about ... Lost.

Previous to today I was a bit worried about going back to uni after having 4 months off. I thought it would take me a while to get back into the uni life and I was almost certain I'd get lost as I'm not the best of people when it comes to directions and finding things, as any of you that know me will know too well. However, it turns out I was wrong again :). I found the room straight away and this time I was the one telling others where it was rather than the one asking for directions.

10/10/10

It's just occured to me that today is actually the 10/10/10, which I will never experience again in my lifetime. I've had an enjoyable 10/10/10, it's been a very nice day so i'm happy. The day doesn't end untill midnight, so hopefully theres more happiness to come.

A New Chapter.

I've been feeling a bit fed up these past couple of days, and haven't had much inspiration for writing. But this morning I woke up and felt alot more positive about things, besides I didn't have much to be fed up about anyway, yes there are still things that confuse me and I would perhaps like to change but it's nothing to worry over and in time maybe they will change in one way or another, and if that change isn't what I want, I'm going to stay strong, because what doesn't happen, was not meant to be.

Turns out I had every right to wake up feeling positive as today was a lovely day. The sun was shining in October which I didn't expect so that made me happy. I went for a nice walk with Tom in the afternoon, got back home went upstairs and just as I was about to write a blog entry about how the day has been nice so far and also make a start on my uni work, I heard my nans voice downstairs, she had surprised us by coming round unexpected which was nice.

We then all went for another walk to see the ponies, which my nan loved, and this time about ten ponies came over at once so we fed them lots of apples. And in about ten minutes time i'm going to have a nice roast dinner.

I feel like im going through a new chapter in my life, I was in the old one for far too long, everything was the same and nothing was unexpected. Yesterday I was feeling negative, today I'm feeling refreshed and happy :) with a sense of positivity about life. 

So for today its been ..

Uni work = Little.
Happy times = Lots.

xxx

The Unexpected.

Very often it's the unexpected that puts a smile on our face. I believe that if we do not expect things, we tend to be more appreciative when or if they do happen. Whether that be an unexpected call from a friend you haven't heard from, a stranger that smiles as they walk past, or meeting someone new.

When I was feeling sad a couple months back, I found it was the unexpected that made me happy, like this little guy named Jack:

Obviously I didn't expect a baby sparrow to come and start feeding from my hand, and the reason this made me so happy is because it's not your every day kind of event, in other words it was unexpected. So the point of this post is basically to say, you can't go looking for the unexpected otherwise it wouldn't be unexpected when or if it did happen, but my advice to people out there is, do not search for happiness something will come around when you least expect it too.

 Unfortunately little Jack died after a few days. In life everything comes to an end but there will always be another unexpected happy event waiting round the corner, as I have experienced and am still experiencing myself.

Horoscope

I read my horoscope today and found it quite moving so I thought I'd share it with you;

Within the comfort of your home, and wrapped in the arms of a warm evening, your insecurities will unwind and fall away. Allow your worries to melt like butter in a pan, becoming delicious and rich rather than a scorching nuisance.

Sleepless Nights and 3 year olds that say the Funniest Things.

I've had a good day today, despite being awake untill 4 this morning, and then waking up at about 6 nearly falling out of my double bed with my head at the wrong end. I'm usually a normal sleeper, I fall asleep as soon as i hit the pillow, and stay in that position right through till the morning, but not last night, something was keeping me awake and i'm not sure what.

I was supposed to be going to a uni meeting today but instead I went to see my nan and my cousins. I decided to look through some old photos with my 3 year old cousin and came across a photo of our aunty sunbathing in a bikini. My cousin looked in disgust and asked me who it was in the photo, and when she heard my reply she looked shocked and replied with, why has she got no clothes on?!? I told her that she was wearing a swimming costume because she was sunbathing at the beach, and her once again shocked response was 'but what if someone saw her?'

Every mistake, every tear we've cried all happens for a reason. Theres many mistakes that I have made in my life that in all honesty I don't regret because I feel that perhaps if I didn't make those mistakes then I wouldn't be the person that i've become now. I believe we all learn from our mistakes, and it's the learning from them that helps build us into a much stronger person. I was having a conversation with someone this evening and he said something along the lines of 'life could be all set out for us, it might feel like were making decisions but actually were just following a path that was already made for us'. I believe that this is true, I feel that everything happens for a reason, and if sometimes you feel like your going off track, life will sort itself out again and there will be a much happier and better outcome waiting around the corner.
Just thought i'd share a few of my thoughts before I sleep. It's strange because i'm usually a really sleepy person, but tonight i'm quite happy to stay awake, I think the happiness im feeling is keeping me awake.

I found this picture on my laptop that I took a couple weeks ago. When I look at it it reminds me of when I was younger and I was told to blow all the seeds away and make a wish ... If i had a wish right now, i'd wish to stay this happy.

What would you wish for?

Excitedness.

I'm actually really excited about life at the moment. I used to get quite excited about the future alot, but recently I've been more excited about the present rather than looking into the future all the time, which I think is a good thing, because maybe looking into the future too much just simply means that your not completely satisfied with the present.

I went to the fair yesterday which happens once a year over a couple of days. It was ok, but once you've been going every year for many years nothing really changes, and apparently its been going on for 800 years! I seem to have become scared of rides, when I never used to be and last night I nearly fell out of a ride that my sister described as a baby ride. I also got chance to meet up with a few friends that I haven't seen for a while which was nice.

I had a great day today seeing a certain someone, and I actually haven't stopped smiling since :D - Yes I am talking about you if you're reading this post :).

'Live for the present, because there will be a time in the future where you'll look back at the past and think, I wish I enjoyed myself alot more back then - the futures yet to come but you'll never get these days back.'  - Ella

Living in the moment means letting go of the past and not waiting for the future. It means living your life consciously, aware that each moment you breathe is a gift.--Oprah Winfrey

Wild Horses

I've just been listening to a song named wild horses, this song for me is probably one of the most emotional songs in terms of lyrics, as I feel I can relate to it alot.

It's a song about wanting to be free and not having to worry about things that may stop you from doing things or making desicions about your life. I'm guessing that almost everyone has probably experienced this feeling, the feeling of saying no to something for fear of something going wrong, the feeling of not being able to do what you would like to do for fear of hurting others or yourself.

I think the meaning of this song for me is to take life as it comes, don't miss out on any chances and don't let anything or anyone hold you back. I sometimes worry about getting hurt again but i've come to realise that lifes too short, and if you've got even just a slight incline that somethings going to make you happy, then you should go with it. Otherwise, you'll always be left with the question of

What If?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWIVi_Oa4as

Another Day.

I'm feeling quite tired today after being woken up by the strangest of noises at 4 o'clock this morning. I was lying in bed asleep when I got woken up by what I can only assume to be a man making these weird noises really loudly. This went on for ages, so I decided to look out of my window where I saw a huge beam of light from a torch shining across the field whilst the man was still making these noises, the light from the torch was making its way to my direction so i quickly closed the curtains and tried to sleep again :). I'm guessing that he was moving the 200 odd cows to the other field ... rather him than me is all I can say.

But with the lack of sleep i'm still having quite a productive day :D.

Back to Uni.

Well it looks like the summers over, most people have already gone back to uni, and soon it will be my turn. I'm looking forward to going back but at the same time, I've had such an amazing time this summer with friends at home, from nights out to random cinema trips, organised by my friend Hannah who managed to get all of us to go and see a film that all but two were way too scared to see. Funny thing was I couldn't stop laughing through most of it. If anyone else has seen the Last Exorcism I think you'll agree that the first part was so stupid it was funny.

Life in the Country

This is a photo I took about a ten minute walk away from my house whilst on a walk with my mum. I find myself taking lots more photos now i'm living in the country, in fact I don't ever remember taking any photos on a day to day basis apart from when i've been on holiday.

I actually love living here, even though sometimes it's hard to get places as I can't drive just yet its far away from everything and I like that :).

Everyday when i'm not working I walk down to see the ponies down the road :) they've got used to me now which is nice, theres about 20 of them in this field, but it always seems to be the same few that come to see me. It's always the same one that makes sure she's the first one at the gate to see me, she'll even race the others to get there first. She's either extremely fat, or pregnant. I'm hoping she's pregnant then hopefully she'll bring her baby to come and see me :).

This is one of them, you can probably guess that this isn't the one thats possibly pregnant.



Life is like a Rainbow.

You might be wondering why the name of this blog is 'Life is like a Rainbow' well it's because recently I came up with a quote that i feel is very true:

'Life is like a Rainbow, you need to experience some of the good and the bad in order to create something beautiful.'

There are times in life when things may seem so tough that there can't possibly be any positives about the situation, but its the hard times aswell as the good times, that shape us into the person we are today. And in time all the positive and the negative experiences will come together and form a lifestyle that you are most content with. 

Which reminds me, I was unpacking my room a couple of weeks ago and came across a poem that was given to myself and my tutor group at school, from our tutors wife when our tutor passed away. I find it really inspirational :)

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.



Moving on.

Well just before my life started changing I was sat in the staff room at work, picked up a magazine and read my horoscope for 10th July 2010 and this is what it read:

Your perspective on life is about to alter dramatically, prepare to feel able to stand back from something you've been too close to and regain strength. 

I've never read a horoscope thats been so close to the truth as this one, or maybe it was these words that made me realise I had to move on. And within time thats exactly what I did.

On the 31st of July, I was invited to a party at someones house who I didn't know, in fact I only knew one of the people who was going, and I almost didn't go for that reason. I really enjoyed that evening, I met some really nice people and I felt like I had some confidence back. After the party we went into town, which is where I met someone who happens to make me really happy.

It was then that I realised that you should never miss out on any chances in life, because you never know what might happen.

So since that night, I made a pledge to myself to say yes to as many things as possible and because of this, life is so much more fun!

Another thing i've realised is ... your only young once, so live the life you've always dreamt of and always remember

'It's never too late to become the person you might have been' - George Elliot.

How do you get up from an all time low.

Well three months have gone past without hearing a single word from my ex, and i'll let you into a secret, I could not be happier. I am finally doing something that I should have done a long time ago, enjoying myself, rather than dedicating my whole entire time to someone who definately didn't deserve it.

At the time I thought I'd never get over it. But with support from family and friends I came to realise that I deserve better. I also had quite a bit of interest from other guys, which i definately did not expect as I didn't think highly of myself at all, but that may have been partly due to having a boyfriend that called other girls beautiful rather than me.

I was beginning to spend alot more time with friends, and I perhaps didn't appreciate them as much as I should have before, because i gave up pretty much all of my time for my ex. But I couldn't ask for better friends and family!

I also read something this evening that I was able to reflect on, and i believe its something that is true for everyone:

'The trick is to recognize when a good-bye can be a good thing - when it's a chance to start again'.

I feel i've started again, and I like this new start, I'm alot happier and alot more confident. We all go through events that change our situation and in turn can change who you are as you have to adapt to the new situation. It sounds funny but at 20 years of age I feel I am still learning things about myself. Lately I've learnt that I am capable of alot more things than I originally thought I was. I've learn't who's important and who's not, and what matters and what doesn't. I feel as though i'm alot calmer and I believe thats mostly due to moving to the country, its so peaceful and I find it alot easier to express my feelings here, whether it be through words or even writting. I put my confidence down to many things from experiencing more things and generally going out and enjoying myself more to being made to feel special by people.



It's not the end.

I'm Ella-Louise, but everyone calls me Ella :) or sometimes I get called El, or by family and people close to me its Ella Bella :D and i've just recently turned twenty. Recently i've felt inspired to start writing my feelings on life and my life experiences and I thought why not share it with everyone :).

A couple of months ago, I went through something, which now seems minor compared to what other people have to go through. But at the time it felt like the worst thing ever. Ive come out the other end now and I feel im stronger as a person, which is why I'd like to share my story.

It started off as a really nice morning, the sun was out and it would have been the perfect day to spend at the beach. So I text my boyfriend of four and a half years asking if he'd like to spend the day doing something nice as it was a really hot day.

The reply I got was:

Thank you very much, youve done a brilliant job in waking me up. I didn't get home till 3 this morning. Im not driving you anywhere now.

At first I thought it was a joke untill he didn't speak to me for the rest of the day. Sounds childish right? Well he's 23, clearly he needs to do some growing up.

Well for the millionth time I let him walk all over me and I apologised. He had none of it, and thats when I got the text saying we were finished, explaining that everything was my fault.

I knew something wasn't right and I had a instinct that the only explanation that it could be was that he was seeing someone else, because as far as I was concerned we were happy, and I know I shouldnt have, but I checked his emails, which is where I found emails from his 'new' girlfriend. Turns out all it took was a couple pictures of a girl in her underwear and he was off.

So yes I was cheated on, and a horrible text was all i got after 4 and a half years, a text that read 'Don't you get it Ella were finished, get over it.'

I wasn't a very confident person anyway but this just made me feel worthless. I loved him so much and to know that he didn't care about me enough to break up with me in person destroyed me. I'd understand it if i was really horrible, but I did everything for him, and anybody that knows me will know that i've never got a bad word to say about anyone.

I cried everyday for almost 3 weeks, I couldn't eat properly in fact I ate hardly anything and I was loosing so much weight when I really didn't need to, I had all the support around me yet I felt so lonely, all I wanted was him back in my life.